Silver Light
by misericordia98
Summary: He hoped she'd understand that he had tried to stay away and had failed miserably. /One-shot/


**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto**

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_A/N: This is purely written because people keep on liking my first KakaSaku one-shot, which was so bad, like, I don't even like it, why are people liking it, stop liking it, it's bad (but a friend of mine keeps telling me to not delete anything because people might want to reread), and I thought that I need a better KakaSaku. With more angst, darker and sexier lol And… I decided to go for Kakashi POV this time. So in the spirit of my typical "it hurts so good" one-shots l present to you…_

**Silver Light**

It was just one of those nights of tossing and turning, trying to discard the influx of heavy mentation. Usually, he'd use basic, non-narcotic ways to do it. The distractions didn't work, though. They never worked. There was a war waging in his mind on nights like this and he was in the middle of the clash, helpless against the endless blows.

From one issue to another, from one regret to another, the relentless chase of devouring guilt and temporary appeasements he reiterated until he found himself so wide awake that he didn't know whether he'd find any solace at all. The silence was ruthless then and nothing helped, not really.

Well… _nothing_ was a strong word.

His fingers passed over the smooth surface of the light sheets in a straight line, now partly illuminated by the moonlight. It appeared dichromatic, thanks to his window blinds and the pattern it created. Dark, light, dark, light and… cold. And empty.

And smooth, just like her skin. Her skin was molded to perfection and the fact that she was always covered up, wrapped in scarfs, cloaked with good manners and dignity, and intelligence, it just all piled up in a way that estranged her from everything he wanted. All those things that made her recede further and further from his grip.

She grew to be responsible, circumspect, strong. Nothing lit her up the way it did when she was younger, nothing seemed to lift her spirits to levels that can return her joy anymore. She wasn't hopeless but was headed that way. Because of him.

Because he denied her affection and labeled it wrong, labeled it impractical, irrational. He meant it every time and regretted it every time. He needed her more than she – him, but that was not an excuse either. Such a relationship would be hurtful to both sides, is what his common sense kept repeating during the days. Hurtful, because they'd have to put up with their crucially different worlds and even more hurtful because they'd have to put up with the rest of society, opinions, whispers, pointed fingers, rumors, accusations.

His touch-deprived body repeated something else, though. Usually during the nights. And he could swear, he's had better hours inside Itachi's Tsukuyomi. But doing this to her was not a good idea. He couldn't care less about what people think, but his actions were promising a downfall in Sakura's career and all that sensei-student mess could be enhanced to terrifying heights and corrupting lies. Sakura's life would become hellish.

And there he was once more, fighting against his imagination and against his pulsing desire. Pulsing in the cavities of his heart and the basements of his mind.

The cold light of his room repelled him like never before, but the possibility, the thrilling scintillation that obsessed him at the thought of her, lying in her own bed not far from him and wishing he was not as unfeeling and prude, as he made himself to be in front of her, drove him near despair.

He couldn't afford to want the same. To cheat her with her own naïve and perfect idea of him, while he was walking among the ruins of a life that was half-way spent.

Kakashi sighed and got off his bed, feeling way too agitated to even remain motionless on his bed. Patrolling to and fro in the dark wasn't making the situation any better, surely, but it was better than having to lay still in the dark.

Did she even like him anymore? After all those fatal encounters, after all the begging she did, all the tender and calm attempts to convince him she had no other happiness but to make him happy?

_I am happy without her. I don't need anyone._

Kakashi stopped in the middle of his frenzied ambulation.

Was he, really? Walking around like some ghost, like an empty shell. He was not happy, he was scared. Because every time he asked for happiness, something was taken away from him. Every time something was taken away from him, he learned that the only painless way was to stop asking at all. So he stopped asking.

He glanced at the door, at the other side of the room and quickly looked away, to avoid the temptation.

That was his happiness, he had turned the ordinary into happiness. If his day ended without a loss, he was indeed happy, he was overjoyed. This heart of his, the one that had to carry everything… its walls thickened and its gates shut, long ago. She would never know the depth of his pains and she didn't have to, but he still felt something strange around her.

It was not just the hopefulness of her blooming youth. It was her compassion and care for people. He's seen it numerous times and jealousy had blustered inside him for he was in desperate need for those two, but could never be as bold as to beseech them from her.

But he could watch her. Watching her required no sacrifices or pain. Watching her eased him immensely and helped him cope. It has turned into a necessity and right now all he wished was to look at her again. The burnished jade of her eyes as they darkened at the sight of him. The sinful blush on her porcelain skin, all the smooth motions of her hands when she interacted. All those times she wore dresses or short skirts whenever they met and he had to pretend he didn't think about whether she wore underwear underneath or not.

His eyes stilled on the door and he slowly released his breath. His bad ideas were many, but this definitely was one of the worst.

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_I just want to see her._

_Once._

He perched on the roof across her apartment, fighting the screaming voice in his head and then quietly shifted to her window. Fortunately, it had a sill so he could hide most of his body without being caught.

_Just a glimpse._

That was not even immature, that was criminal. He almost turned back. Almost. Then his eye caught movement and he froze in place, his heartbeat betraying him right away. The unpleasant tumble in his stomach took him by surprise.

Her body was slightly arched and her head was thrown back, hair splashed on the sheets. The blankets barely covered her chest, revealing most of it and slid down to her bare hip. Her hand was underneath it, though, and all the motions it did. She was deeply lost in a sensual dance, eyes closed and lips apart.

The screaming voice in his head returned, but now there was another one with it. He had to avert his gaze from her naked body to try and win himself a chance to set some kind of thought process within the chaos he had fallen in.

_Don't do stupid things._

Yes, but if his bedroom fantasies had been the flicker and by seeing her now he thought he'd overpower those desires, now he has set everything on fire and he was burning beyond control or any point of return. He was burning alive.

Kakashi ripped open the window with one quick movement and entered the room, making Sakura jump in fright and instinctively cover herself with the blankets, a look of horror on her pale features.

He slowly shut the window and stepped sideways rapaciously slow, unable to stop looking at her as she was breathed heavily, disheveled and in pure wonder. Wonder made her eyes look young. In the semi-darkness, she looked like she wanted to speak, but was at a complete loss.

"A-are you alright?" She breathed out, at last.

Logical, to think the reason he was being so primal was somehow connected to a medical condition. Not too far from the truth.

"No." He backed away until he entered the darker side of the room. "I'm not alright."

Her confusion deepened for a moment, but then the wrinkles on her face smoothed and she swallowed down, head slightly tilting to take a better look at him. The worry never left her features, but he knew that look all too well. He knew the condescension, the pity, the empathy. He didn't want them anymore. He wanted her love, he needed her to pour everything she had on him. Her voice in his ears and her body, in absolute devotion.

His shallow breaths were too loud in the thick silence and he hated it. He hated himself like hell tonight. But as he had crossed almost all borders now, giving a damn about it was not relative anymore.

Kakashi sat back on the chair he found next to a desk he distinct in the shadows and leaned back, looking at Sakura's still form right across the room. He lied about it for years and was gonna keep lying about it in the next ones as well, but he's imagined doing that so many times that it seemed unreal to him now. It seemed like he's waited for thousands of years.

Sakura was probably confounded by the sudden intrusion, but with every passing second her features changed and, to his relief, softened. Whatever she was thinking about, he prayed it was in his favor because he could very much see himself begging her to let him stay. On his knees. That was one of the bottom lines of his dignity and he hoped it won't lead to that.

He hoped she'd understand that he had tried to stay away and had failed miserably.

Sakura's eyes fell down on her blankets and then rose up to him again with a new spark, this time sending a shiver down his spine. There was something challenging in her gaze, but he wasn't quite sure of it. She slowly laid down and pushed the blankets aside, to bare her whole body and have him catch his breath.

He could see the arch of her spine clearly now, touched by the silver light of the moon, as she slid her hand down her perfectly toned stomach and was lost between her legs, while the other gripped onto the sheets in a slow rhythm of squeezing and loosening. The breaths she took were long and deep, and slowly increased the pulse in his veins. Her breaths became gradually louder and more ragged, and the frustration was written on her features. Quiet, muffled sibilances escaped her lips and then she narrowed eyes open and turned to look at him, suddenly, and he realized the millennium of his wait has ended.

Kakashi didn't know whether she did all that to torture him or herself, but he stood up and almost ran to her, making his best to ruin her rhythm with the only wish to end it himself. Clearly, she couldn't give herself what she needed anyway.

He loomed over her and she chuckled at his impatience, biting her lip.

"Did you like that?"

Kakashi had no time to answer, finding her mouth and plying his tongue with hers hungrily, hand smoothing against her flat stomach and up to the soft flesh of her breasts. Her legs parted open as if by instinct as he sighed into her mouth, unable to deal with the layered tension she created ever since he started thinking about her in his apartment.

Sakura automatically reached for the rim of his t-shirt and stripped it, but wasn't quick to remove his pants, most intentionally brushing against the mosaic of his oblique and core muscles, and her legs weaving against his to bring him closer.

"I'm gonna pay for this." He spoke against her ear as if searching for atonement in advance and all she did was chuckle breathlessly. Maybe he was so tragic that it was funny to her. Maybe she knew better than to let him self-pity. He liked hearing her laugh nonetheless.

"Judging from your state, you've thought about this for at least an hour. You probably concluded it was worth a try." Sakura whispered, her hand sliding even further down to press against his groin and carve a moan out of him.

Kakashi's breath quivered as he sank down to kiss her neck, to banish the weaknesses that stormed his body. He was already helpless to fight her, as he went all this way. What was left for him was what he was the best at – regretting his stupid decisions and blaming himself and only himself for them.

"Why are you here, Kakashi?" Sakura heaved up a bit, pushing his pants down and pressing wet kisses against his shoulder and neck, hands against his shoulder blades like they have always belonged there.

"Because I'm selfish."

"I'm glad you are. Waiting for you was tiresome." Sakura managed to ponder before she hushed, lost in anticipation. She pulled him closer herself, her lips breaking away the relentless, feverish kiss they shared.

The fierceness of his motions ceased for one prolonged moment as his hand sank into the skin of her hip forcefully while the other was there to keep his balance when he entered her, and she was delightfully wet and warm. The balance was almost lost when he heard her soft moan in his ear distinctly.

He ran away from this feeling all this time because he knew it was addictive and nothing else ever felt like it, and he was fully ready to leave up until now if she only said she didn't want him there. Her response just doomed him irrevocably.

The heat submerged his sensed into a muffled and dazed state that completely shut away the rest of the world. He deserved the marks Sakura carved in the beginning because he was inconsiderate and careless of her body, seeking only a way to satiate the waves of lust that had been suffocating him lately. They allayed with the rise of her voice, though, and he had to slow down if he wanted to synchronize with her. She arched to meet him at every thrust, but now he was able to feel the pulsating of her body and her willing reply as her hips moved in open and reiterating motions, coming to him like shock doses of pleasure.

His name was constantly on her lips as he sucked and licked the spots she revealed every time she writhed away. He could feel her slightly winding up and gripping onto him harsher so he indulged her and increased their pace just enough to let her finish with him. The brief and blinding thrill of satisfaction he thought would come with some kind of gratitude for her generosity to him, but instead was filled with his shattered moan and a shudder that sensibly rent her at the sound of it.

Their breathing was harsh into the thick silence and they remained still for a moment, their bodies pressed against each other. Sakura's fingers sifted through his hair, while he still tried to refocus on reality. Which was that he was lying between Sakura's legs, in her apartment and in the middle of the night.

"Do you always enter people's houses through the window?" Sakura laughed, through her heavy panting.

Kakashi heaved up a bit, to look at her face and blinked tiredly. The mischievous gleam was gone, leaving out only the softness, enhanced by the moonlight. Her eyes were crinkled because she smiled at him. Not yell, slap, punch or curse him. Smile.

She was as merciful as they said.

"You chose to ask me that? Really?"

Sakura shrugged. "What do you want me to ask you? How did you lose the battle against yourself? I'm curious, but not cruel so we're not talking about this."

Kakashi was fixed on her for a while before leaning down to brush his lips against her temple. How could he explain something that chained his entire existence within a sentence or two? It was too much and too bad.

_I've been locked away by my fears._

"It was never your fault that I ran away from you and for that, I am sorry." He found her lips and kissed her as if to seal his words, but Sakura pushed him back gently, wishing to look at him in the eye.

"You have nothing to apologize for." She mouthed quietly, shaking her head.

"You didn't deserve to wait, but..." Kakashi sighed. "You should've known what you're signing for."

"You've got in all wrong, Kakashi." Sakura's whisper interweaved with a chuckle. "I have loved you all this time and loving you was never a burden." Then she paused, her fingers up to curl in his hair absently and he could swear she thought about Sasuke at that very moment, and it somehow roused mixed feelings in him, but mostly… relief. Because that meant loving Sasuke has been a burden to her and she didn't plan to go back there. "I-I knew you needed time, but it was easy to give it to you."

Kakashi raised a brow.

"And why is that?"

"Because you never stop daydreaming about me, that's why. Don't think it's not obvious." Sakura bit her lip to keep herself from laughing. "Girls notice stuff like that. And you… are like an open book sometimes."

Kakashi was like struck by a lightning, the horror of her words slowly crawling underneath his skin. He swallowed, eyes going up and down her lips and eyes.

"What do you mean, I have _never _seen you in such inappropriate light. I wouldn't dare…"

"You're blushing." Sakura giggled. "Never? You mean _every night, _right?"

Kakashi was forced to detach from her and back away, relaxing on the pillow next to her in hopes that it will win him some time to think of a way to get away from this situation. Sakura crawled on top of him and looked down at his face inquisitively and with a light of pure curiosity flaring in her green eyes. She was so beautiful when sadness didn't cloud her features and he hoped he was the reason for the glow on her right now.

"You don't have to lie." Sakura drawled, enjoying his ultimate frustration as she burned her eyes through him, expecting to hear the truth.

The truth, huh? He had to twist it in his favor. The elegant way she touched herself was not even close to the way he's almost fallen sick with the compulsive need to be inside her and have her moan his name like that. He's had some interesting moments as well.

"Not every night," Kakashi replied calmly and she gave him a meaning look. "All the time."

Sakura's eyes widened for a moment of surprise and then her skin darkened with a blush he could distinct clearly on the moonlight. She relaxed on his chest and cuddled, pulling the blankets over them, probably to hide her face from him. Something remained unspoken between them, it was in the way she escaped, both physically and mentally from their exchange of words.

"Are you alright?" He mustered the courage to ask, his hand affording to caress the slight notches along her spine. _All the time _did sound like the real sex maniac he was, didn't it? It was the truth, though.

Her breathing was calm against his skin and he couldn't help but close his eyes at the warm feeling. At least he was sure he could give her as much comfort as she needed. He could give her everything she needed because she was within his reach.

"I feel like I have never actually been happy until this moment." She muttered through a peal of breathy laughter. "I don't know what made you come here, but I'm glad you did."

Kakashi heaved a sigh. With all that pressure bearing down on him the whole day he couldn't imagine _not _bursting in her apartment like that.

"Me too."

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_A/N: I never meant to publish this on Valentine's Day and it wasn't on purpose, but anyway. Thanks for reading, babes! Hope you liked it._


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